A word of advice

Last week my 20 year old niece visited us from Sydney. She was en route to India where she would spend the next few days traveling and meeting with relatives. It was her first break since passing out of high school and she intended to explore the country of her birth.

As was to be expected, both of us received a set of instructions from her mother (my dear elder cousin sister) who is hopeful that her daughter finds her way to a meaningful and rewarding career. The young lady received her share of do's and dont's...as did I. She on what she ought to do, or otherwise. And mine were to behave like a responsible "uncle" and give her some advice and coaching. Receiving such instructions from my sister was not new for me. Many a time during my teenage years, when she felt I was going astray, she would patiently sit me down extolling the virtues of hard work and urging me to study diligently. How the exertions during one's formative years would pave way for life of comfort and ease. She had been a role model in our family...consistently achieving top ranks during her school, college and university years, even going on to obtain a Ph.D. Much to my sisters dismay, I never came anywhere close to the standards set by her. So it was strange to me that she felt her daughter had something to gain through exposure to me.

Whenever I am asked to give guidance or advice to youngsters, I feel overwhelmed by the expectations from me. The burden of responsibility seems heavy for my shoulders. I am a tad awkward and out of place. After all, how could anyone benefit by listening to me?? For one, I dont feel very grown up myself. And my life is hardly the story of conventional success. A quick glance would make it obvious that

...there are no academic achievements to boast of. I have attended institutions of reasonable repute and performed above the norm, but nothing that could be considered a sterling example for others to strive for

...my work life while in India is a study in sheer imbalance. During a substantial part of my career, I have worked to the detriment of everything else, neglecting even my health to an extent that I very nearly lost my life a few times and was subsequently required to undertake considerable repair work

...I have not achieved exceptional financial success. In fact, I cant even recall my salary and I would be quite clueless about my assets or net worth. After having worked for close to fifteen years, I still do not own an inch of land anywhere on the planet leaving people to wonder what actually motivates me to work

...I have some weird notions about life which most sane humans cannot comprehend. Even my closest friends have not understood them, much less accepted. Some have wisely suggested that I ought to visit a psychiatrist and have my brain rewired. For example, I am unable to fathom why men and women feel compelled to reproduce. Like we do not already have enough human beings on the planet! And this discomfort takes extreme forms including an inability to be in the presence of pregnant women...and I dont even feel an affinity towards children

So it is indeed curious that people would want advice from me. But despite all my shortcomings, and unmindful of the risks to their own sanity, sometimes they still insist on it! And at such times I feel equally compelled to be of assistance as I hate to let people down when they reach out for help. However, my thoughts on giving and receiving advice have changed over the years. I have now come to believe that we are utterly incapable of giving meaningful and genuine advice to another individual. Hence, I try to refrain from doing so. Instead, I seek to understand the person...their life and experiences, their desires and dreams, their failures, shortcomings and heartaches. Which is exactly what I did with my niece.

One night after a long day at work, I sat and listened to her story. How she had got to where she did. What she had struggled with. She spoke lucidly about herself, her successes and her failures. And expressed confusion about the choices of career to consider. Which is when she turned to ask for my advice...and I had none to offer. Instead I gave her some homework...I was the uncle after all, and had some authority over this captive audience in my house! I asked her to list down - at a very granular level of detail - everything she was good at and everything she was not. She was not to give her own opinions or attempt any interpretations. Rather, she needed to delve into her childhood and think about what her friends, family, teachers and co-workers had told her over the years. She could take as much time as she wanted, use as much paper as she needed, and no amount of detail would be excessive. This was to be a long list! When she completed it, I gave her another assignment. Which was to review the list as if it were someone else's and to think of possibilities. What was the message in the list? How could she draw upon her strengths and interests? What was she likely to excel at? What would she love doing? What pitfalls must she avoid? What ought to be the story of her life? And then, as we got into the cab to go to the airport, she was leaving for India and I was off to the Philippines, we talked about whether the path she was currently on would provide her joy and fulfillment. Was it building on her strengths, interests and passions? Or did she need to change course and look afresh for a new one?

When we parted there was a sparkle in her eyes and a spring in her step. She was energised and felt she had rediscovered aspects of herself that had gotten lost over time. Perhaps, she had been heading down a path more suited for someone else... And needed to pause and reflect whether it was what she really wanted or would excel at. This young lady has talent. As do we all. Her talent is for her to find, to exploit and to develop. She needs to chart out her own path and to do so she needs to explore. Her explorations may take her to different places. And at times she may trip and fall. Often, it may not lead to a destination at all. Challenges and barriers will come...some quite early and from unexpected quarters. They are hers to accept and overcome.

My niece boarded her flight without receiving any pearls of wisdom or valuable words of advice from me. Had I let her mother down yet again?

It is my fervent hope that while she was here, she was able to discover a little bit of herself. And that as she travels in the coming days, she finds out a lot more. If new thoughts have arisen, I hope they will be elevated. If an idea has been triggered, may many more germinate. I wish her success and I also wish her struggle. As I would wish anyone I care about.

As for my advice?? I am clear that I ought to keep it to myself. Most people are better off without it...