Thoughts from the Alps

It has been a long time since I was here...

A period of intense activity! Intense at work and intense in areas I have wished to pursue outside of my work. Yet, it has not been overwhelming or overly strenuous. I think somewhere my subconscious mind had willed me to act rather than contemplate...which probably explains this hiatus from the blog.

Now, as I find myself in the cradle of the Alps, sitting by the pond in the hotel I have checked into earlier in the day, with a glass of Blaufrankistch wine (I think I got that right!), the mind turns inwards and reflects upon the events of the past few weeks...

To start with, there was concerning news from home. My father, already affected after suffering two strokes in late 2007, had developed some further complications. Living away from one's parents is never easy and at times like this, one faces the eternal dilemma of rushing back home versus staying back. However, after a couple of weeks of diagnosis and treatment, it appeared that the new complication was in remission and I was a bit more at peace. I decided to move ahead with my short vacation which has brought us to Austria…a beautiful and charming country with a long and interesting history. I still plan to go early next month and spend a few days in Delhi from where I will continue to work whilst in parallel seeking further medical opinions.

The relationship with my father has been a strange one and has evolved over the years. During my growing years, I looked upon him as a strong willed man - honest, upright and always upfront. For a long time he remembered how I would refer to him as a 'no nonsense man'. Because of his nature, people would at times find him difficult to deal with…he had a sharp tongue and usually an opinion to the contrary! On the other hand, he was known for his generosity...ever willing and ready to help folks in need. In my earliest memories, I have known him to place the needs of others before his own. Whether it would mean taking someone’s child for a school or college admission, having people over at home from distant lands as they toured India, or taking relatives of an indisposed person to the hospital on his scooter everyday till the crisis was past, he was always at hand when the need arose. His tall and lanky figure was a dominating presence within our family and wider circle of friends. As I came into adolescence the clashes began…perhaps as I struggled to come into my own and he with letting go of his progeny. I rebelled and did several things that did not please him. As the years progressed, the relationship strained further…leading to a flashpoint as I walked out of my house after having made the decision to marry. It was a period of immense emotional turmoil within our small family, which eventually eased a couple of days before the wedding as he was persuaded by friends and family to attend the ceremony and give his blessings. Still things did not completely subside and thereafter began a phase of uneasy calm, which continued into the next decade as my work took me from city to city…leaving Delhi, the place of my birth, for Mumbai, then on to Bangalore, and last year to Singapore. All of this was terribly upsetting for my mother, torn as she was between the father and son. For my wife, this was equally distressing as she tried to come to terms with such strong emotions, the very causes of which were unclear to her. One thing did grow though…and that was the respect my father developed for my professional endeavours. Through all of our arguments and conflicts, he remained proud of the effort and progress he felt I was making.

Morbid as it may sound, I think his illness was again a turning point in our relationship as he underwent two successive strokes within the span of a week, which had a sudden and significant impact on his brain. His memory and comprehension were badly affected. A learned professor of modern European history who had taught in an institution of international repute for nearly three decades now could not even recall the date of birth of his only child. Or read the newspaper and understand the state of affairs around him. Gone also were the obstinacy, the fiery temper and sharp tongue. In the short span of a few days, his entire persona had undergone a transformation… However we are fortunate that physically he has remained relatively unaffected, being able to walk about and take care of his needs without aid from others. It could indeed have been a lot worse. Today he is much more placid and compliant. The dynamics in our house have changed. For years he was the dominant force, and my mother the one in compliance. This has now reversed and she has taken charge. She has learnt to use the mobile, get the groceries, manage the household and finances, all the while taking him for his medical check ups and overseeing his medication and wellbeing. My mother even took a computer course so she could be in touch with me over Skype and email. The strong willed woman, who once gave up her career to rear her child, has emerged from the shadows and started afresh…after a 35 year hiatus and when she is well into her 70s!

I feel that my father and I now share a different equation, entirely devoid of the strife we had experienced over the years. My conversations with him are much like the one’s he may have had with me when I was a child. I check in on his daily routine and the progress he is making on the ‘tasks’ I have assigned him…has he been reading? How many pages written in the last few days? I test his memory with some facts and questions. He sounds upbeat and eager to talk…but then has nothing to say after a couple of sentences. Often, the same questions are repeated. When will I be visiting? How is work? Where did I travel? Are we doing all right? Earlier this year, after much persuasion, they visited us in Singapore for a couple of months…a much needed change of scenery and an opportunity to recuperate in a different environment. It did make some difference. But the progress is really slow and I wonder to what extent a recovery will take place. I don’t expect that it will be the way it was before. Nothing ever is, is it?