Expectation and responsibility

Now that I have been 'at it' for a while, I realise that blogging brings with it expectations and responsibility...totally self inflicted. Of continuing what one started. Of demonstrating consistency. Of being articulate and reasonably presentable. I quickly learn that like many habits in life, it takes some effort and perseverance, certainly in the initial days.

When I started blogging earlier this month, I did not know what I wanted to achieve...whether this was a momentary surge of creativity or simply a release for pent up emotions. Maybe there was a subconscious desire to solicit acknowledgement or appreciation. I still do not know. I also dont know if this will stick with me or if I will abandon it along the way. If I look for patterns in my life, I would say my personality has evolved as it relates to acquiring habits. In my teenage years, my pursuits would be more fleeting. Yoga lasted the course of one summer vacation, and running another. While in college, I volunteered some weeks with a charitable veterinary clinic. I took away impressions, and did learn from each of those experiences...but I did not pursue them. Perhaps it had to do with my attitude towards life itself. While I had varied interests, perseverance was not a virtue I had imbibed then. In fact, laziness may not be an entirely inaccurate term for me all those years. My parents would sometimes send me to my gifted cousins who had pursued their respective callings, hoping for a ruboff. I would always marvel at their talent as I did their ability to persist with their passions. But when asked to try my hand at something, I would invariably shy away with the refrain 'it is too hard', or 'I am not capable of this'. When we get together now after all these years, this is still an oft repeated joke in our family.

Because somewhere along the way, something did change. I developed the ability to focus and to persevere. And found an innate desire to work hard. The turning point was my final year of graduation after I had pretty much lost my way in the many distractions in the north campus of Delhi University. A year of struggle subsequently to find, and obtain, what I was to call my profession changed all that. My leaning towards Indian philosophy had a definite bearing as well. I have since then learnt the value of struggle and introspection. By the time I gained admission to the Master's programme of my choice, I was able to put in 14-16 hour workdays. And when I started my professional career, this became my work ethic and remained a way of life for me for several years thereafter. I believe it was the cornerstone of much that my colleagues and I collectively achieved over the years. It was also responsible in a big way in severely jeopardising my health, which has taken a couple of years to resurrect. Suffice it to say that somewhere along the journey I learnt to persevere with my passions, to take obstacles in my stride...and to take responsibility. Responsibility for myself and for people that teamed with me and gave their very best. Importantly - when faced with challenging situations, I learnt to ask the question 'what is the RIGHT thing to do'. This question alone has served as my north star over the years. I do not claim to have got it right all along. Far from it...as I truly search for mistakes and omissions of my previous years. But I did seek to tread on the right path - right for the people and right for the organisation. And today, when sometimes I hear others who traversed some part of the journey with me ask the same question, it does provide satisfaction. But more about these experiences another day. I can fill reams of pages on my worklife in India.

Coming back to the topic at hand - I feel the weight of expectations and a sense of responsibility to continue what I started. As I said before, this is self imposed, but it exists all the same. All at once, I encounter challenges I have not faced earlier - one of which is simply...what do I write about? How often should I be blogging? Do I have anything of consequence to mention? Topics keep coming in and out of one's brain. Some funny things start to happen. I get influenced by books I read. Not just the content, but also the style. Somewhere the author enters my brain and I begin to think and write like him. And imagine the havoc I create on the keyboard when I change authors!

And so my journey continues...with no clear aim or end in sight. With no particular purpose. Will I pursue this or will it fall by the wayside along the way? As I re-read my previous lines, I am suddenly reminded of nagging and continuing inconsistencies. So I have placed a mental wager with myself. Let's see who emerges victorious...

Will something useful ever come out of my blogging?? The question twirls around in my head as my brain yet again begins the daily shutdown ritual at 3am...and I rest my weary head in anticipation of a new day!