One Month

That is how long it has been since I last wrote on this blog.

The last 30 days have gone by in a haze and a blur. I spent three weeks in USA traveling to various cities. I started off in Chicago and then went to Detroit. Returned to Chicago. Then off again to Pittsburgh, followed by a weekend in Long Island...and back again to Pittsburgh before making the long flight back home. I had jet lag on the way in, jet lag through much of my stay…and jet lag for a whole week after I was back. I really don’t know why I have such great difficulty dealing with long distance travel. Partly it has to do with insomnia. Just when I thought I had seen the end of it, back it comes with a bang and haunts me for weeks. I could hardly sleep on the 19 hour transatlantic flights, even though the airline does much to make things very comfortable for the long distance business traveler. I tried every trick in the book – switched to the new time zone by staying up during the day time of the destination, ate little, drank little…and that too only a bit of wine hoping it would put me to sleep. But no. Neither would I be able to sleep, nor could I be productive as the brain would be whirring around in circles and refuse to centre on anything of consequence. The haze would envelope me for days…and it is only recently that I feel it lifting. Anyhow, enough whining! Like many other things, insomnia too tests one’s endurance and persistence. It challenges my ability to be productive. As it does my resolve to open the laptop and give a coherent outpouring to my thoughts through the means of this blog. So after a hiatus of a month, I am determined to resume my tryst with myself and a few other people who sometimes drop into this little corner. I feel rusty…somewhat like out of form sportsmen desperately trying to get back their rhythm. But try I shall!

The trip to USA was interesting. I have been a regular visitor there, especially in these last couple of years, and have closely observed changes in the mood and public sentiment. Not very difficult to do in a country of fairly expressive people! A common theme evident to me over the past year has been a sense of resignation, apprehension, stress...even tiredness in the people of the nation. You would expect that in an economy which was steadily sinking into recession. And now, that sense is pervasive across the globe as the vast majority of countries are reeling under the impact of a wave that emanated from Wall Street, spread to Main Street and has engulfed vast portions of the world.

But during this visit, I did discern signs of change. Not that anything was fundamentally different– the economic indices continued to point downwards signaling further troubles, the financial institutions were still battered, the iconic automotive industry gasped for breath and unemployment levels continued their upward surge. More and more people – vastly experienced corporate, economic and political leaders - have stated that these are the toughest conditions they have experienced in their lifetimes. However, the pervasive sense of doom and gloom has now given way to something one had not felt in a long time. Hope! Very subtle and not evident at the surface, but I am sure I sensed it. And given that I had visited after a long, harsh winter which had also heralded one of the greatest and historic change in the political landscape of this country, I am bound to attribute this hope to the one man who is looking to chart a new course, not just for the people of his wonderful country, but for much of the modern world. Barack Obama - the man who can do no wrong! He has indeed inspired the people of US to see beyond their troubles of today and strive for a better tomorrow. I wish this new age icon is able to realize his dreams and those of the nation he now leads.

However, as I said before, there is no evidence of this change at the surface. What is visible instead is the effect of recession in daily life. At the airport, passengers are made to pay for their carry on baggage, up in the air they are not served snacks and drinks, restaurants in downtown areas bear a deserted look. And the malls! An endless array of sales with each retail outlet jostling to outdo the other to capture the attention of passers by…but still not much luck! Clearly more people are browsing than purchasing. Not something I had seen at this time of the year and at such scale. So…what few visible effects I could capture digitally found their way onto this blog in the post below.

How long will this recession last? Will things get even worse? When will the stock markets rebound? When will companies offer a positive outlook? When will people be able to stop worrying about losing their jobs? For those that have lost theirs, when will they regain employment? Are we talking months, quarters, years???

All of us have these questions in our minds. And many have predictions…which range from a relatively quick rebound, to what is being referred to as the “long freeze”. Explanations abound on the causes of this recession. As can be expected, there are also a fair number of remonstrations of the “I told you so” variety. For a person that cannot fathom the various complexities and intricacies of this world, all I have been able to gather is that the prevailing climate has been popularly attributed to the unbridled greed of a few. Greed that pervaded the entire globally interconnected economic system which eventually collapsed under its own weight. I do not know which theory is right, what analysis precise or which prediction accurate…but I do feel that all of these are not of much consequence.

What really matters is the lesson we learn from this new challenge. As is the case with any challenge or calamity, this one too presents opportunity for learning. Some challenges that we face in our lives we attribute to our own actions, others to the result of collective actions of people. And then there are those whose causation is beyond our comprehension and we attribute it to the will of the almighty. Irrespective of its cause, adversity can be a great teacher…if only we choose to be keen students. So this recession can be a unique opportunity for individuals, organizations, and even nations to learn, adapt and progress. I do not have the wisdom to make predictions or offer lessons. But I do know that there are those who will emerge from this wiser, some will be wealthier and stronger, and yet others healthier and happier. A few will fade away with shattered dreams and broken wills.

Certainly virtue is like precious odors, most fragrant when they are incensed, or crushed: for prosperity doth best discover vice, but adversity doth best discover virtue. Sir Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626)

एक ऐसे गगन के तले

I have had a strange relationship with sleep. All through my childhood and teenage years, I slept the sleep of the dead. We used to live in a university campus in New Delhi (JNU) and our house was on the landing path for flights to the international airport. Air traffic would intensify during night time with several jets flying low and their drone would drown all other sounds. Conversations - in person or over telephone - would cease while they passed overhead. Each night, I would get into bed and flip through my favourite bed time reading, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, presented to me on my 10th (?) birthday by my gifted cousins (alluded to in my previous post)...and slowly transport myself to a mysterious world. And once I was asleep not even the closest, loudest of these big flying machines could penetrate the depths of my slumber. I will reluctantly admit that this book has continued to be my bedside companion well into the 30s and I still sometimes find myself flipping through the fascinating adventures of Mr. Holmes of Baker Street!


I first experienced insomnia during my Masters programme when a spat with one of my professors - what I considered to be of a purely academic nature - rapidly turned ugly and almost cost me my place in the institute. And this, despite having fairly decent grades and immersing myself in various activities intended to enhance the standing of the institute. It was an early lesson that being principled and stubborn came at a price! Some years later, as challenges at the workplace intensified to a point where my team and I were faced with unprecedented situations, I again started losing sleep. I would be up late at night either pacing the living room, or going back to my laptop. This time the insomnia lasted several years...in fact, I have never quite regained the carefree sleep of my childhood. While there have been periods during which I have slept peacefully and woken up afresh and energetic, they have never lasted too long and it takes the slightest provocation for me to lose my sleep. Even then, I continue to stubbornly evade any form of medication believing that the malady will eventually correct itself. But when I come across people that can sleep undisturbed for hours on end, I do feel a pang of envy. It has been many years since I have experienced the bliss of uninterrupted slumber...


Tonight again I know sleep will remain elusive until I am overcome by sheer exhuastion. We had spent the day browsing through shops on Orchard Street, brightly decorated for Christmas and teeming with tourists and locals. We were giving our family the quintessential Singapore retail experience...replete with a meal at the foodcourt. Till I was rudely jolted with the buzz of my cellphone which indicated that the burglar alarm had gone off at home. It took six minutes for the police to reach and another twentyfive for us to scramble home. The two policemen on call - now on a repeat visit - concluded that in all likelihood it was a false alarm triggered by some inexplicable movement. Somehow, that doesnt quite sit well. After all, the system has been activated each night for the past several weeks with no such occurrence. Coming as it did on the heels of our recent robbery, the incident will leave its mark as we seek explanations, evaluate and eliminate possibilities. The return to normalcy, slow as it was, will now be further delayed.

So here I am...the book has been replaced by the keyboard. Well, not entirely. I finished reading The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid, recently recommended by my friend who was confident I would find it engrossing - which, sure enough I did. And as I force myself to shut down the laptop, a tranquil melody fills my ears. I Google for lyrics and my wife comes to the rescue and proceeds to sing a few lines for me. Perhaps she thinks the lullaby would give me a much needed shuteye! I hope that these are the last sounds of the night...and I look forward to a new day, with new hopes and aspirations. Here are the lyrics of the famous song by Kishore da which have been ringing in my ears. May they come true...Goodnight!

Aa chal ke tujhe, main le ke chaluun ik aise gagan ke tale jahan gam bhii na ho, aansoo bhi na ho bas pyaar hii pyaar pale  Aa chal ke tujeh main le ke chaluun ik aise gagan ke tale jahan gam bhi na ho, aansoo bhi na ho bas pyaar hi pyaar pale ik aise gagan ke tale  Suraj ki pahali kiran se, aashaa kaa savera jaage (2) chandaa kii kiraN se dhul kar, ghanaghor andhera bhaage (2)  kabhi dhuup khile kabhi chhaav mile lambii sii Dagar na khale jahan gam bhi na ho, aansoo bhi na ho  bas pyaar hi pyaar pale ik aise gagan ke tale  Jahan door nazar daud aae, aazaad gagan laharaae laharaee (2) jahan rang birange panchhi, aashaa kaa sandesaa laayen (2) sapano me pali hansati ho kali jahan shaam suhaani dhale jahan gam bhi na ho, aansoo bhi na ho bas pyaar hi pyaar pale ik aise gagan ke tale  Sapano Ke aise jahan mein jahan pyaar hi pyaar khila ho  hum jaa ke vahan kho jaaye shikuva na koyi ghila ho  kahin bhair na ho koyi ghair na ho sab milke chalte chale  jahan gam bhi na ho aansoo bhi na ho bas pyaar hi pyaar pale ik aise gagan ke tale aa chal ke tujeh mein leke chaluun  ik aise gagan ke tale jahan gam bhi na ho aansoo bhi na ho bas pyaar hi pyaar pale ik aise gagan ke tale

Expectation and responsibility

Now that I have been 'at it' for a while, I realise that blogging brings with it expectations and responsibility...totally self inflicted. Of continuing what one started. Of demonstrating consistency. Of being articulate and reasonably presentable. I quickly learn that like many habits in life, it takes some effort and perseverance, certainly in the initial days.

When I started blogging earlier this month, I did not know what I wanted to achieve...whether this was a momentary surge of creativity or simply a release for pent up emotions. Maybe there was a subconscious desire to solicit acknowledgement or appreciation. I still do not know. I also dont know if this will stick with me or if I will abandon it along the way. If I look for patterns in my life, I would say my personality has evolved as it relates to acquiring habits. In my teenage years, my pursuits would be more fleeting. Yoga lasted the course of one summer vacation, and running another. While in college, I volunteered some weeks with a charitable veterinary clinic. I took away impressions, and did learn from each of those experiences...but I did not pursue them. Perhaps it had to do with my attitude towards life itself. While I had varied interests, perseverance was not a virtue I had imbibed then. In fact, laziness may not be an entirely inaccurate term for me all those years. My parents would sometimes send me to my gifted cousins who had pursued their respective callings, hoping for a ruboff. I would always marvel at their talent as I did their ability to persist with their passions. But when asked to try my hand at something, I would invariably shy away with the refrain 'it is too hard', or 'I am not capable of this'. When we get together now after all these years, this is still an oft repeated joke in our family.

Because somewhere along the way, something did change. I developed the ability to focus and to persevere. And found an innate desire to work hard. The turning point was my final year of graduation after I had pretty much lost my way in the many distractions in the north campus of Delhi University. A year of struggle subsequently to find, and obtain, what I was to call my profession changed all that. My leaning towards Indian philosophy had a definite bearing as well. I have since then learnt the value of struggle and introspection. By the time I gained admission to the Master's programme of my choice, I was able to put in 14-16 hour workdays. And when I started my professional career, this became my work ethic and remained a way of life for me for several years thereafter. I believe it was the cornerstone of much that my colleagues and I collectively achieved over the years. It was also responsible in a big way in severely jeopardising my health, which has taken a couple of years to resurrect. Suffice it to say that somewhere along the journey I learnt to persevere with my passions, to take obstacles in my stride...and to take responsibility. Responsibility for myself and for people that teamed with me and gave their very best. Importantly - when faced with challenging situations, I learnt to ask the question 'what is the RIGHT thing to do'. This question alone has served as my north star over the years. I do not claim to have got it right all along. Far from it...as I truly search for mistakes and omissions of my previous years. But I did seek to tread on the right path - right for the people and right for the organisation. And today, when sometimes I hear others who traversed some part of the journey with me ask the same question, it does provide satisfaction. But more about these experiences another day. I can fill reams of pages on my worklife in India.

Coming back to the topic at hand - I feel the weight of expectations and a sense of responsibility to continue what I started. As I said before, this is self imposed, but it exists all the same. All at once, I encounter challenges I have not faced earlier - one of which is simply...what do I write about? How often should I be blogging? Do I have anything of consequence to mention? Topics keep coming in and out of one's brain. Some funny things start to happen. I get influenced by books I read. Not just the content, but also the style. Somewhere the author enters my brain and I begin to think and write like him. And imagine the havoc I create on the keyboard when I change authors!

And so my journey continues...with no clear aim or end in sight. With no particular purpose. Will I pursue this or will it fall by the wayside along the way? As I re-read my previous lines, I am suddenly reminded of nagging and continuing inconsistencies. So I have placed a mental wager with myself. Let's see who emerges victorious...

Will something useful ever come out of my blogging?? The question twirls around in my head as my brain yet again begins the daily shutdown ritual at 3am...and I rest my weary head in anticipation of a new day!